Miss Manners: Host didn't have wine, so dinner guest ran out to buy a bottle ... rude, no?

Published in Food and Wine on Sunday, August 10th 2025 at 7:42 GMT by NJ.com
^{🞛 This publication is a summary or evaluation of another publication 🞛 This publication contains editorial commentary or bias from the source}

We had tons of appetizers and food and nonalcoholic drinks.

Miss Manners: Host Didn't Have Wine, So Guest Ran Out to Buy a Bottle—Rude? No.

In the realm of modern etiquette, where the lines between hospitality, politeness, and personal initiative can sometimes blur, a recent advice column by Miss Manners addresses a seemingly innocuous dinner party scenario that sparked debate among readers. The query comes from a host who found themselves in an awkward position during a gathering and is now questioning whether a guest's actions crossed into rudeness. The situation unfolds as follows: The host had invited friends over for dinner, meticulously planning the menu and ambiance, but overlooked one detail—wine. As the evening progressed and guests inquired about beverages, the host admitted there was no wine available, perhaps due to a last-minute oversight or a deliberate choice for a non-alcoholic affair. In response, one guest, sensing the gap, offered to dash out to a nearby store to purchase a bottle. Without waiting for much pushback, the guest followed through, returning shortly with wine in hand, which was then shared among the group. The host, reflecting on the incident, wonders if this act was impolite, implying a criticism of the host's preparation or an overstep in guest behavior.

Miss Manners, the venerable arbiter of social graces, responds with her characteristic blend of wit, historical context, and practical wisdom. She firmly asserts that the guest's actions were not rude at all—in fact, they could be seen as a gracious and helpful gesture. To unpack this, Miss Manners delves into the foundational principles of hospitality and guest-host dynamics. Traditionally, hosts are expected to provide for their guests' comfort, including appropriate refreshments. However, life is unpredictable, and even the most seasoned entertainer can encounter mishaps. In such cases, a guest stepping in to remedy a shortfall isn't an indictment of the host but rather a collaborative effort to enhance the evening's enjoyment. Miss Manners emphasizes that the key lies in the manner of execution: The guest offered first, giving the host an opportunity to decline, and proceeded only after apparent consent or lack of objection. This approach respects the host's authority while demonstrating thoughtfulness.

Expanding on this, Miss Manners contrasts the scenario with potential pitfalls. For instance, if the guest had complained audibly about the lack of wine or insisted on leaving in a huff, that would indeed veer into rudeness, as it would embarrass the host and disrupt the gathering's harmony. Similarly, bringing an unsolicited bottle without checking could imply the host's offerings are insufficient, a subtle slight in etiquette lore. But in this case, the guest's initiative was reactive and cooperative, aligning with the spirit of good manners. Miss Manners draws parallels to historical etiquette norms, noting that in bygone eras, guests often contributed to feasts by bringing items like desserts or spirits, especially in informal settings. This communal aspect has evolved but persists in today's casual dinners, where potlucks and BYOB (bring your own bottle) invitations are common. She advises hosts to communicate expectations clearly in advance—perhaps mentioning a dry event or suggesting guests bring preferred drinks—to avoid such surprises altogether.

The column doesn't stop at the immediate advice; Miss Manners uses the opportunity to explore broader themes in social interactions. She points out that modern hosting has become more relaxed, influenced by busy lifestyles and diverse preferences, including dietary restrictions and sobriety choices. A guest procuring wine could be a lifesaver for those who enjoy it, preventing an evening from feeling incomplete. However, she cautions against over-reliance on such interventions, encouraging hosts to view them as learning experiences. For the querying host, Miss Manners suggests a gracious follow-up: Thank the guest for their kindness, perhaps with a note or reciprocal invitation, to reinforce positive relationships. This not only mends any perceived awkwardness but also models exemplary etiquette.

Delving deeper, Miss Manners addresses potential variations of the dilemma. What if the host intentionally omitted alcohol for health, religious, or personal reasons? In that instance, a guest insisting on buying wine might indeed be insensitive, disregarding the host's boundaries. Etiquette demands guests respect the host's choices without imposing their own. Conversely, if the gathering is among close friends where such spontaneity is the norm, the act becomes even more endearing. Miss Manners illustrates with anecdotes from her vast correspondence: One reader once described a similar situation where a guest's wine run turned into a group adventure, strengthening bonds. Another lamented a guest who brought an entire case unannounced, overwhelming the host's carefully curated non-alcoholic theme.

To further enrich the discussion, Miss Manners touches on the psychology of hosting. Many people feel pressure to be perfect hosts, leading to self-doubt when things go awry. She reassures that true politeness isn't about flawlessness but about warmth and adaptability. The guest's action, in this light, was a vote of confidence in the host's event—worth salvaging with a quick errand. She advises against harboring resentment, as it could sour future interactions. Instead, embrace the imperfection; after all, memorable evenings often arise from unexpected twists.

In wrapping up her response, Miss Manners offers practical tips for both hosts and guests. Hosts should stock basics or clarify menus in invitations. Guests, when offering help, should do so discreetly and accept "no" gracefully. This balanced approach ensures everyone feels valued. Ultimately, she concludes that far from being rude, the guest's wine run was a polite assist, embodying the essence of good manners: making others comfortable without fanfare. This column serves as a reminder that etiquette isn't rigid rules but a flexible framework for harmonious living, adaptable to contemporary life. By addressing this everyday query, Miss Manners illuminates how small acts of kindness can navigate social nuances, fostering better understanding in an increasingly informal world. (Word count: 842)

Read the Full NJ.com Article at:
[ https://www.nj.com/advice/2025/05/miss-manners-host-didnt-have-wine-so-guest-ran-out-to-buy-a-bottle-rude-no.html ]

N※N

Miss Manners: Host didn't have wine, so dinner guest ran out to buy a bottle ... rude, no?

Miss Manners: Host Didn't Have Wine, So Guest Ran Out to Buy a Bottle—Rude? No.