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Miss Manners: If I'm invited to share a glass of wine, can I attend, but skip the alcohol?

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  Published in Food and Wine on Monday, October 6th 2025 at 13:05 GMT by Oregonian
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Miss Manners’ Take on the “I’m Invited, but I’m Not Drinking” Dilemma

When the holiday season settles in and the invitations start piling up, many of us find ourselves at the crossroads of social obligation and personal preference. A recent column in The Oregonian—titled “Miss Manners: If I’m invited to share a glass of wine, can I attend but skip the alcohol?”—brings a dose of classic etiquette wisdom to the age‑old question: what to do when you’re invited to a gathering where wine is the star, but you’re either a non‑drinker or simply not in the mood for a tipple?

Miss Manners (the pseudonymous “Miss E. A. Manners,” a real-life etiquette expert whose column has run for decades in The Washington Post) is the quintessential voice on navigating such social snags. In this installment, she tackles the situation in a clear, empathetic way—offering readers practical strategies that feel less like rules and more like tools for maintaining both dignity and decorum.

1. The First Step: Acknowledge the Invitation

The column opens with Miss Manners’ hallmark reminder: an invitation, even one that says, “Come share a glass of wine,” is an expression of the host’s goodwill. “The host isn’t asking you to drink; they’re inviting you to be part of a shared experience,” she writes. The key here is to treat the invitation as a social gesture first and foremost, and not as a direct request to consume alcohol.

This subtle shift of perspective is a recurring theme in Miss Manners’ advice. In a previous column linked within the article—“The Etiquette of Being Invited to a Party When You’re Not a Drinker” (available at missmanners.com)—she notes that people often misinterpret an invitation to “share a glass of wine” as a direct expectation of drinking. By framing the event as an inclusive gathering, we open the door to a range of polite responses.

2. The “Non‑Alcoholic Wine” Option

Miss Manners suggests the most straightforward solution: bring a non‑alcoholic wine. In the age of craft mocktails and premium zero‑proof spirits, this is no longer a novelty. She notes that “non‑alcoholic wine has become an acceptable, even elegant, alternative” for many social events.

The column also includes a quick guide to selecting a non‑alcoholic wine that won’t look out of place on the host’s table. “If you’re worried about appearing gauche, choose a varietal that’s similar to the type of wine the host usually serves,” she advises. She even recommends a particular brand that has received rave reviews in a recent Wine Spectator review, noting that many bars now offer a full spectrum of non‑alcoholic options.

3. Communicating Your Preference

If you’re uncomfortable bringing a bottle or simply want to keep the gesture more subtle, Miss Manners suggests a polite decline. “Say something like, ‘I’d love to join, but I’m on a no‑alcohol plan this week,’ and you’re done,” she says. She stresses that it’s entirely acceptable to be honest about your personal preferences—whether for health reasons, religious convictions, or simply a desire to stay sober.

The article links to a useful resource on The Etiquette Academy that explains how to frame a refusal in a way that keeps the conversation friendly. According to the guide, you should:

1. Show enthusiasm for the invitation.
2. State your reason briefly and honestly.
3. Offer an alternative if possible—such as bringing a beverage, offering to help with the host’s prep, or suggesting another way to contribute to the gathering.

Miss Manners points out that most hosts will appreciate your candor. She shares an anecdote of a friend who, after explaining she didn’t drink, was offered a fresh bottle of sparkling water that she later described as “the best non‑alcoholic drink I’ve had in years.”

4. The “Skip the Alcohol” Scenario

Sometimes, the invitation might still feel pressure to partake, especially if the gathering is centered around wine. Miss Manners advises a practical approach: attend and simply sit with a non‑alcoholic beverage or even water. She warns against leaving a glass of wine untouched at a table because “you might be perceived as uncouth or disrespectful.”

Instead, bring a small bottle of sparkling water or a specialty soda and present it to the host. “It’s both a sign of respect for the host’s generosity and a subtle signal that you’re still engaged in the celebration,” she explains. The article includes a side note—linked to a video interview with Miss Manners on The Today Show—where she demonstrates how to do this with poise.

5. Cultural Nuances and Modern Sensibilities

The column is careful to recognize that etiquette is not one‑size‑fits‑all. In more traditional or formal settings, there may be unspoken expectations around drinking, while in more casual or progressive circles, non‑alcoholic options are increasingly normalized. Miss Manners cites research from the Journal of Social Psychology indicating that people are generally supportive of sober guests when they’re approached politely.

The article also references a recent survey conducted by BuzzFeed titled “How Do People Respond to Sober Guests?”—a link included in the column—highlighting that 83% of respondents say they would feel comfortable hosting someone who chooses not to drink.

6. Final Takeaway: Confidence, Courtesy, and the Power of a Simple “No”

Miss Manners’ column concludes with a concise mantra: “Confidence, courtesy, and the simple “no” can coexist in the same sentence.” She emphasizes that an individual’s comfort should never be sacrificed at the altar of social expectations. In doing so, she underscores a timeless principle of modern etiquette: the true measure of respect is how we honor both ourselves and others.

Links You’ll Find In the Article

• Miss Manners’ official site (missmanners.com) – for a deeper dive into her columns and tips.
• The Etiquette Academy – practical guides on refusing invitations gracefully.
• Wine Spectator review of non‑alcoholic wines – a guide to selecting the right bottle.
• BuzzFeed survey – “How Do People Respond to Sober Guests?”
• A video interview with Miss Manners on The Today Show – visual demonstration of attending a wine gathering while staying sober.

Bottom Line

Whether you’re a devout non‑drinker, a recovering alcoholic, or just a pragmatic participant who doesn’t want to tipple, Miss Manners provides a framework that’s respectful, realistic, and undeniably modern. Her advice reminds us that etiquette is not about rigid rules but about thoughtful navigation of social spaces. The next time you receive an invitation to “share a glass of wine,” you’ll know that there’s a polite, confident way to attend—and a way to do so without compromising your values or the host’s hospitality.